5 Love Languages Study – Love is Choice

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Good morning friends. Its Marriage Monday! Hope your weekend was blessed. What did you do this weekend to make your marriage a priority? Our weekend was filled with baseball from dust till dawn so making our marriage a priority this weekend was not met. Just adding some little things will make a huge difference.

Love is a Choice

How can we speak each other’s love language when we are full of hurt, anger, and resentment over past failures? The answer to that question lies in the essential nature of our humanity. We are creatures of choice. That means that we have the capacity to make poor choices which all of have done. We have spoken critical words, and we have done hurtful things. We are not proud of those choices, although they may have seemed justified at the moment. Poor choices in the past don’t mean that we must make them in the future. Instead we can say, “I’m sorry. I know I have hurt you, but I would like to make the future different. I would like to love you in your language. I would like to meet your needs.”


Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different. When we choose active expression of love in the primary love language of our spouse, we create an emotional climate where we can deal with our past conflicts and failures.

”I Just Don’t Love Her Anymore”
It’s the “I don’t love her anymore” mindset that gives men the emotional fre
edom to seek love with someone else. The same is true for wives how use the same excuse.
Thousands of husbands and wives have been there- emotionally empty, wanting to do the right things, not wanting to hurt anyone, but being pushed by their emotional need to seek love outside the marriage.

The in-love experience that we discussed in “Falling In Love” (Chapter 3) is on the level of instinct. It is not premeditated it simply happens in the normal context of male-female relationships. It can be fostered or quenched, but it does not arise by conscious choice. It is short-lived (usually two years or less) and seems to serve for humankind the same function as the mating call of the Canada goose.

The in-love experience temporarily meets one’s emotional need for love. It gives us the feeling that someone cares, that someone admires us and appreciates us. Our emotions soar with the thought that another person sees us as number one, that he or she is willing to devote time and energies exclusively to our relationship. For a brief period, however long it lasts, our emotional need for love is met. Our tank is full, we can conquer the world. Nothing is impossible. For many individuals, it is the first time they have ever lived with a full emotional tank, and the feeling is euphoric.

In time, however, we come down from that natural high back to the real world. If our spouse has learned to speak our primary love language, our need for love will continue to be satisfied. If, on the other hand, he or she does not speak our love language, our tank will slowly drain, and we will no longer feel loved. Meeting that need in one’s spouse is definitely a choice. If I learn the emotional love language of my spouse and speak it frequently, she will continue to feel loved. When she comes down from the obsession of the in-love experience, she will hardly even miss it because her emotional love tank will continue to be filled. However, if I have not learned her primary love language or have chosen not to speak it, when she descends from the emotional high, she will have the natural yearnings of unmet emotional needs. After some years of living with an empty love tank, she will likely “fall in love” with someone else, and the cycle will begin again.

Meeting your spouses love is a choice that needs to be made everyday. When we know the primary love language and choose to speak it, their emotional needs will be met and they will feel secure in love. In a state of emotional contentment, both of us will give our creative energies to many wholesome projects outside the marriage while we continue to keep our marriage exciting and growing.

What if the love language of your spouse is something that doesn’t come naturally for you? So is the response. When an action doesn’t come naturally to you, it is a greater expression of love. Comfort is not the issue. We are talking about love, and love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself. Most of us do many things each day that do not come “naturally” for us. For some of us, that is getting out of bed in the morning. We go against our feelings and get out of bed. Why? Because we believe there is something worthwhile to do that day. And normally, before the day is over, we feel good about having gotten up. Our actions precede our emotions.

The same is true with love. We discover the primary love language of our spouse, and we choose to speak it whether or not it is natural for us. We are not claiming to have warm, excited feelings. We are simply choosing to do it for his or her benefit. We want to meet our spouse’s emotional need, and we reach out to speak his love language. In so doing, his emotional love tank is filled and chances are he will reciprocate and speak our language. When he does, our emotions return, and our love tanks begins to fill.

Love is a choice. And either partner can start the process today.

YOUR TURN
A key thought here is the idea of speaking our mate’s love language whether or not it is natural for us. Why do you think this is so fundamental to a healthy marriage?

Serving with Joy,


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About Sonya

I am a sinner saved by grace trying to move through this broken world as a wife, mom and homeschooler. I have 3 gorgeous sons {24, 17 & 11} and a wonderful husband of 13 years, that have my heart! I don't have all the answers however sharing my life with you in hopes that it will drawer you closer to Him. I pray that when you leave here you walk away knowing Him better.

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